Year thirty one SUCKED for me. REALLY. Like years 30 and 29 were any better...but 31 was like the worst of times and the best of times.
Year 31 for me pretty much started right off the bat getting totally screwed over and emotionally craped on by close friends. Then feeling left to be abandoned and rot all in the name of some God-only-knows "higher principles". What makes it ok to totally screw someone over and in the process quote scripture at them so that gets you off the hook for how you behaved in treating those people along the way? Where is Christ in that? THAT IS HYPOCRACY! And it TOTALLY sucks to be on the receiving end of that kind of "holiness".
All this came off the heals of being totally screwed over by our old friends at our last church that basically betrayed us and tried to kick us out of the church "all with the love of Jesus". I HATE it when people use Jesus as an easy excuse to get out of a tough problem that they themselves created. Where is Jesus in that? I admit, I've done that before. In college, breaking up with a guy because I felt "God was leading me in a different direction". C'mon! That is ridiculous. I just wanted to break up - but I didn't want to be the bad guy - so I shift the blame on my Lord and creator. Hmmmm...I'm sure He appreciated that one! And how often are we all guilty of that? We all do it. But when it happens to you, you realize just how wicked it truely is. Devastating. And the person has trumped you. What can you say? Our friendship is not ok...ok so now we're not friends? And now I can never, look at or talk to you again? Ok...because Jesus doesn't want that? Oh...ok. Well...does Jesus think it's ok for you to treat me like crap? Somehow that is ok?
So...I just keep fakin' it....just keep swimming...la la la la la LA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (nemo)
Well, that was how year 31 started...and for the most part there has been a continuing thread of discontent and saddness over that sitaution all year. Mainly, because it was just never properly (biblically) resolved. Just swept under the carpet by the other party hoping it would go away. Funny...but it didn't and I still feel completely screwed over even a year later. Not only screwed over...but now also judged. These people who used to "love me for who I was" all of a sudden changed their tune and then start judging me for how I dress, how I parent my children and attack my heart for ministry. Not only that but apparently they know God well enough to know God is also judging my heart because He is apparently "pissed mad" at me for all these things as well. (Who even says that?) So apparently I now have more than one Lord and Saviour ruling over my life. The only problem is, one I can go to in prayer...the other I can't even talk to or email. Don't you just love it when people want to play Messiah in your life.
So it sounds like I'm still pissed and bitter. Well...hurt upon hurt and scar upon scar never really heal. I'm not crying about it anymore...but I have grown cycnical. Last Sunday one of the pastors at my church had us all write some of our sins on a piece of paper and come surrender them at the cross that was set up on the stage. He talked about Nebucanezzar and how if you don't surrender the sins of pride in your life God will take you out. Because you cannot win by playing God in your own life. Anyway, so I surrendered this situation and just hating this person for treating me so crappy for so long and just cutting and running instead of working things out. And I also confessed just giving up on my hope that God could or would even want to bring about a work of reconciliation in our church. I just stopped caring. I've just been hurt too much and too often by this person that I didn't think it was possible for God to do a work here. I know I'm wrong. I know God can and will work even inspite of ourselves and our sin and our inability to reconcile. And if my hope is in God than who cares what man may do to me? The only question is - where do i go from here? Alright, I've surrendered to God...but it still doesn't fix the old situation. I'm not sure it ever will be fixed. I think the other person thinks everything is fine (delusional!) but really it's just still this big pile of CRAP swept under the rug. So what do I do and how do I go on? I've tried avoidance...but that doesn't seem to work. I've tried confrontation...but that just lead to more conflict. I know I can't run away (although I would love to.) So here I stay stuck in the mud and unable to move on. Makes me want to barf....
Well, year 31 wasn't ENTIRELY crappy! PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSING FLOW! Through all the crap I found some of the truest friends I've ever had in my life. Friends who genuinely care about me. Friends who really give me the freedom to let me be me. Friends who love me for who I am now and friends who LOVE me for who Jesus is making me. Friends that I can laugh with, cry with, play with. And friends who understand when I am completely upset about something. They listen. They let me be. They let Jesus fix me, but they never give up on me. They rejoice and mourn with me. They empathize. They are present. They are REAL. And I am freed to just BE. BE who I am. BE who God made me.
What a treasure this friendship is. If you've never known friends like these - you cannot begin to comprehend what you are missing. You just don't get it. And you can't fake this kind of friendship. Ultimately everyone is exposed for who they really are. A true friend...a genuine friend...and authentic firend is one who frees you to be you and loves and accepts you for that no matter what. That is true love. Biblical love...and what I want to be about.
At my 32nd birthday with these friends. They prayed for me that my 32nd year would be filled with blessing. I have already been so blessed by you guys. I am amazed that God in his goodness would look down on me and redeem the crap and give me a taste of his pleasure in friendship with you. What a delight. What a glimpse of God. What community! I didn't loose hope in the looking! I actually found it! And I know we're not in heaven yet and so there is still a ton of crap to be spewed at us. But we have each other and for that I am so grateful. Thank you guys so much. I really love you guys. You make struggling through life so much more bearable. I can't believe I found what I was looking for. I am so blessed! This IS amazing Grace in my life. I love you guys.
juicy! juicy!
