My new theme song

I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, and I know that my souls it aches
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah

O Lord I'm strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I am loved by You, O Lord I am free in You
O Lord I'm complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out
Lead me, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I
You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by your grace and your love.

"I Will Overcome" by Charlie Hall

Moving from depression to Worship!

"Nevertheless, I am continually with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterwards You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing I desire on earth besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from You will perish, You put and end to everyone who is unfaithful to You. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the soverign Lord my refuge, I will tell of all Your deeds."

Psalm73:23-28

On the Road to Beautiful

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love.

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

You're my portion in this life
You're my strength now in my fight
And to You I pledge my heart
In the pain and in the dark I'll love you
I'll love You, I'll love You

Charlie Hall

Psalm 55

"My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fear and trembling come upon me, and horror overwhelms me. And I say, 'Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.'...For it is not an enemy who taunts me - then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me - then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companon, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet council together; within God's house we walked in the throng...But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."

Psalm 55:4-8, 12-13, 16, 22

Anyone have any drugs for this?

This has been a completely crappy week. Everyday my heart just feels more dead. I am now heading down the road of comlpete depression. What is it with my life? It seems every few months something happens to rip my heart out and completely wound me. It's almost like clock-work now. When things start loooking good, I'm now gonna start to wonder what is coming next...because it seems there is always something lurking that can send me back into the pit of depression. I'm just sad...and lonely. Really lonely.

I'm just stuck - Again. Is this God's sick way of refining me? Becasue I really hate it. Is this the pattern that will continue for the rest of my life? Once we are awakened to a life of suffering, can we ever leave? Does it ever get any better...and stay that way?

I just want a break from it all.

Delirium

I have been in this weird state of delirum for the past several days. High fever...my mind wanders...conversations replayed...dreaming of things that never happened...it is very bizarre. I need to enter back into reality and find my footing. I'm not even sure what happened over the past several days. I feel somewhat lost...and just so darn tired.

Another Funny Carter Story

I know that there will be more of these to follow...so that's why I'm putting in the old ones now! These are stories to NEVER forget!

"Ok so I was planning on venturing out on a nice little field trip with some of the moms to go to the LAPD helipad and get a tour to see the helicopters a friend has been working on for the past two weeks. Sounds fun right? The boys would love it? I’m sure they would have if only we had actually gotten there. Well, we set off in a caravan of four minivans at 9:30 in the morning down the 101. 40 minutes later we were still stuck in traffic and going out of our minds! Suddenly there was a break in the traffic and the two other moms –who were both ahead of me in WHITE minivans- pull ahead and start speeding 70+mph down the road to make up for lost time! I quickly follow suit. However, at this exact time Carter starts moaning in the back seat. You see, Carter has a tendency to get car sick and being the horrible mother I am forgot to bring ANYTHING to help in such a situation! During the confusion a third decoy WHITE minivan comes on the scene. In the chaos of the moment there is more moaning from the back seat, I look up and see the decoy minivan and think I am still going the right way only to realize I have just passed our exit and am heading in the wrong direction. Then piercing screams echo from the back seat, “I’VE GOT TO PUKE!!!!” And Carter then blows chunks all over himself, Ethan’s seat and the floor. By the time I was able to turn myself around and get back to the parking lot of the helipad (20 minutes later) the smell of hot puke had filled the van. At this point it was decision time. Clean up my son covered in vomit and try to make the most of a bad situation by spending time with a bunch of police officers and a little boy with smelly puke all over his pants…or get home as quickly as possible. I chose the later and sped home. It had taken me 75 minutes to get to the LAPD and 30 minutes to get home. I LOVE LA! We got home and the kids enjoyed a nice video and picnic lunch in the play room and I spent the next hour scrubbing puke out of the van. The good news…the van is the cleanest it’s been in 5 months. The seats are still outside and I’m just letting the sun bake the stinkiness away. I still smell puke even though I’ve washed my hands 5 times and have done 2 loads of puky laundry….I’m tired…I’m hungry….but I made it though the fire of a vomiting boy in rush hour traffic on the 101 in LA…it can’t get much worse than that!…but I don’t think I will attempt anymore education for the day. I just need to go to bed."

Thursday, October 14, 2004

So if you've ever had a day worse than this I want to know about it!

Funny Carter Story

Ok so here is a story from when we were driving across the country moving out to LA. It is so hilarious and such a glimpse into my actual life I had to put it on the blog! ENJOY!

"The big news of every day thus far has been when we are driving down the road 10 miles after we had just stopped for a potty break, and Carter announces in his whinny Carter way, “I’ve got to go poo-poo…It’s coming out!!!” So yesterday I told him to get out of his buckles and try to poop on the potty seat as we were driving. I had stuck a Ziploc bag in the potty seat for the poop to fall into. Ok, literally 20 minutes later, the van reaked but Carter was finally done pooping. So I wiped his bottom and sealed up the Ziploc bag of poop, and we all got back in our seats. (All this going 75mph down I-40.) So there I am stuck in a STINKY van holding a bag of poop. Which –even though in Ziploc- still really stunk. So I rolled down my window and Johnny freaked thinking I was about to toss the poop outside…but no, I hung all but a corner of the bag out the window and then rolled it up. So there we were driving down the highway with a Ziploc bag of poop flapping in the breeze hanging from my window! You should have seen the faces of some of the people in the cars we passed by. I literally almost peed in my pants it was SO funny!"

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

Proverbs 27:6

The NIV says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." The ESV puts it like this, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

For years I received kisses from an enemy...on and on praising me and using smooth words to woo me. But they were simply meaningless words. Empty. Despised. All because they were devoid of genuine love. Lacking. Worthless.

On the other hand I have also received wounds from a friend. But you know what? It was grounded in love and received in love. So no matter what was said it didn't so much matter because I knew my friend loved me and God was using the situation to refine us for His glory.

Isn't it odd that we can hurt those we are closest to and yet it is steeped in love and therefore those wounds are "faithful" and they can be "trusted". It's an odd feeling and I can't quite explain it. But it is living a life of love, below the surface, on a heart level. You look past the hurt and see the person hurting, and you are so overwhelmed by your love for that person that you are just filled with compassion and love...and nothing else matters at that moment.

That is where Christ lived His life...with mercy for the hurting. I am overwhelmed by the daily life lessons God uses to call us to pursue holiness. This is what it means to daily be refined in His image. Oh, to pursue that call!

I've got poo in my eye!

Sophie came up to me today and whined, "Mommy, I got poo in my eye!" Which I thought was really cute. No, there was not actual poo in her eye...but somehow she sees a correlation between being sleepy and having poo in the eye. I can't say I've ever tried that! Although sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I scrub I just can't get my hands clean enough after a diaper change. Especially when I have "butt paste finger."

Holy Crap, I'm 31!

Well, today begins the first official day I am 31. I feel death fast approaching. I guess that is the reason I have begun to leave a legacy for those who are to follow...namely my offspring: Taylor, Carter, Ethan & Sophia. I know you think mommy is a bit crazy...so this will give you a glimpse into my mind. Honestly, this vomit that will spew forth out of my brain is for my own benefit...but maybe somehow it will bring enjoyment to others as well.