Another Lesson to Learn...

"Tell me your deep dark secret, and I will tell you mine.
Oh, is that your deep dark secret? Oh well, never mind."

-Bill Malonee (Vigilantes of Love)


I've been working on my story again tonight. God, what are you teaching me?

Finding My Way at VBS

Ok so this week is VBS at my church. And for my part I am the Bible Expedition Story Teller for the Preschool and Nursery kids. Now I love my kids and I love the excitement of walking on campus during VBS. Now, my passion in ministry is geared toward high school kids. But I gotta tell you, I am also realizing that my other major passion is teaching the Word of God. Even though these are little 2-5 year olds, man, I love telling these kids about Christ! And then I walk around campus and they see me and smile and wave...it's just so stinking cute! The same has been true for those summer camp kids. There is just something in me that lights up when I get to tell these little kids the stories of the Bible and the truths of what Jesus has done for us.

I don't know if I am ever gonna fully be living out my passions in Youth Ministry. But for now I'm trying to enjoy where I am servng with these little VBS kids and the Summer Camp school kids. Talk about serving God in the place he has put you. For now I will serve faithfully and just wait and see if any YM will ever happen.

ONE campaign

This is one thing where the church should have been the ones leading the march...not the ones following hollywood. But hey, maybe the church has something to learn from pagans covered by common grace. We too can join in the fight. Join me (and Brad - see side bar below) in making poverty history!

http://www.one.org/ActionSignup.aspx

Moment as a Normal Person

I almost don't know what to do with myself. I had Claudia & Kathy (with a 'K') come over this morning. That was just a VERY laid back time to hang out. We had a good time getting to know each other. The kids were a little crazy! But it was really great to just get some more time with these ladies...we might even go see a movie soon! I just like hanging out with them. Ahhh...adult conversation! What's a girl to do?

And after they left my parents showed up to take E&S to the park. T&C went for a play date to the Peter's house till 1PM...Johnny is off working at the office. So here I am...alone in my own house. Since we moved here over a year ago...I can't remember one time when I have been alone in my own house. It's nice. Normal people get to experience this ALL the time - but I don't think they really appreciate it! Oh...listen to that! What is it? SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!

The only thing better would be if it was actually clean and I could go sit down and read a book...but instead I have 8 loads of laundry strewn all over my bedroom floor to go fold and put away. But I am savouring this moment...it might not come around again for another year!

"Farah Suller"

I was on the phone today talking to my friend Farah Suller about my blog. And just the importance of keeping names annonymous to protect these dear friends of my who would not want to be identified! However I realized only like three people ever see my blog. So do I close it so I can say what I really want and think or do I keep it open for the benefit of my three friends and anyone else from outer space that might have stumbled across these extrodinary pearls of wisdom - but yet tone down the content and stop using certain words? Hmmm... the debate goes on.

What do you think Farah?

Ouch...the truth hurts!

Ok I've been readng this book by Paul Tripp called "Instruments int he Redeemer's Hands: People in Need of Change, Helping People in Need of Change" and there is just too much to blog about! This is an AWSOME book and I HIGHLY recomend it!

Well, today was one of those days I was reading while working out at the YMCA. (It's why I love the 'Y' I can read, work out and have "alone" time - all while the kids are in Child Watch!) I tell you what I got my butt kicked clear across the room when I read this illustration.

Tripp was talking about a seminary counseling class he used to teach that was a requirement for those on the Pastor track. He used to start each class telling horror stories of crisis in ministry. Finally after a whole lot of stories one student blurted out, "All right, we know we are going to have these projects in our churches. Just tell us what to do with them so we can get back to the work of the ministry!" Ouch! I'm thinking, "What a MORON!" Trip went on to write how that comment was honest but exposed that soon-to-be pastor's true heart was lacking LOVE.

Tripp then went on to expose his own heart in the situation which just totally slapped me in the face today as I read it:

In class that afternoon, I wondered how that student could've gotten it so wrong. But as I drove home that night, the closer I got, the more uptight I became. I was thinking, Wouldn't it be nice to come home just once to a house that wasn't full of problems I needed to solve? As I voiced that frustration to myself, it hit me. I was just like my student! I wanted children who had never suffered the effects of the Fall and who possesed the innate ability to make all the right choices. I wanted family devotions and a few lectures to produce children who would do quite well on their own. I, too, lacked the self-sacraficing love essential in a family full of sinners. Like my student, I saw my children as being in the way of the plan, rather than the focus of it. (p. 116-117)

Crap! A Family full of sinners! That is what we are. But am I dying to myself daily to show Jesus to my kids? Am I giving up my nap time and pushing through so I can spend precious time with my boys while they are home?

It is so darn hard. My patience wears thin! Especially at the grocery store. It was a CONSTANT battle today to make it through Costco with only using kind words. I did it...but I suffer public humiliation as Sophie is SCREAMING her head off over something and Carter and Taylor are running away from the cart and then Ethan got his foot run over by the cart.

I don't know how to Shepherd my children's hearts and still maintain a semi-clean house and get dinner on the table. We are in a total funk. I am swamped. I can't do it. I live in a shit-hole and it's all I can do to just defuse arguments, train and instuct ALL DAY LONG! And you wonder why I have Chronic Fatigue? I need a maid and a food delivery service! It is hard to honor God with consistent parenting when you are poor and have to live in a constant state of disaster. That TOTALLY drives me crazy! I love a clean house. But yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours cleaning the kids bedroom and while I was doing that Ethan & Sophie were off destroying three other areas of the house! It never stops. There is ALWAYS one more dirty dish, one more load of laundry, one more butt to wipe...how do I honour God and not loose my sanity in the process?

...Chicken Nuggets again tonight kids?

Finding God at Chuck E. Cheese

I had the weirdest night last night. Totally one of those I was NEVER expecting. We had a birthday party to go to at Chuck E. Cheese. The tought of going to C.E.C. with my family can tend to be a nightmare. "Give me more tokens!" "I want more candy!" All the whines and crys of the kids competing with other kids for turns on rides to win a minimal amount of tickets to "buy" crap prizes at astronomical prices. Needless to say I was tired from teaching summer camp that afternoon and I wasn't looking forward to our time at the party. But I did want to go primarily because it was Chris's party. And I just ADORE little Chris! Chris and Carter were in the same kindergarten class at Heart of the Valley and I've been working at building a relationship with Chris's mom, Claudia. She is fabulous and I really like her. She is a single mom who is living with her family and working hard to put Chris in private school. She is so sweet. I think she is like 23. Which means she was probably like 17 when she got pregnant with Chris. The first time I met her on the fieldtrip to the Zoo, she basically opened up her life and shared a lot of her story with me. Since then we've hung out a few times and have taken the kids to breakfast. So being at the party last night was very important to me.

Once we got to C.E.C. the kids ran off and played. Carter's little "girlfriend" Genesis (who is 6), ran around with Sophie and basically babysat her all night. The boys had a blast with Chris and their buddy Joshua. Johnny & I were able to have a great conversation with Ray and Lori. (I REALLY like that family!) But the highlight of my nght was meeting Cathy. Cathy is Claudia's next door neighbor. She is a cute girl, tatoos all up the arms and across the back. She seemed pretty fun just from looking at her. Claudia introduced us and as the night went on (we were there for 3 1/2 hours!) we grabbed moments here and there to chat. Finally as the cake was being served I noticed she was in a booth by herself - so I went and joined her and we just talked and shared stories. She is totally awesome. Talking to her was like talking to Dale & Kimmy in Chicago. It was just so easy and there was just such a connection between us.

As it turns out Cathy is 32. Her oldest son, Lenny, is 14 and is autistic. He seems 'normal' just by looking at him, he is "high functioning". And such a sweet kid! He was playing Star Wars video games with Taylor. Cathy shared that he just graduated from Pacoima Middle School and is probably gonna be at Reseda High School next year. (Which she is a bit nervous about since he's in special ed.) Then Joey is 13, and is a cute kid who wore sunglasses all night and had green hair (Sophie loved that!) Cathy was telling me how Joey got in fights at Pacoima because kids would tease Lenny and Joey would get into fights sticking up for his brother. It turns out she was married to Lenny & Joey's dad for awhile...but it just didn't work out. Then her third little boy, Billy (2 1/2 - Sophie's age) was the sweetest thing. He looked a lot like Jack Hodgson. He would ride the marry-go-round with Sophie. Cathy is currently living with Billy's dad (who I think is a general contractor). She stays at home with the kids and wants to wait until Billy is older before she goes back to work. She adores her boys. She said she had the dream of being married and having a ton of kids...but it just hasn't work out that way. Man, talk about "Death of a Dream".

I just walked away from last night amazed. I just loved getting to know this girl. My heart just broke for her. This morning it hit me - I am wallowing about friends I've lost lately who I barely talk to and who I have to pull teeth to find time to be together. ... I guess I just realized here are these other people (who I totally like- which is a BONUS!) that are just hurting. I know Claudia is saved. I assume Cathy is not...but I have no idea. I just want to live my life messy. I want to love these girls and others the Lord has laid on my heart. I want to have Christ build into me and be my strength - instead of seeming so "needy" for other Christian relationships. To some degree I feel like this is the banquet feast that I invited all my friends to and no one showed up - so I go out to the street and find some really cool people out there that I would love to party with! (Not the exact interpretation of the Bible I know...but there's a paralell.) I just want to live Jesus to these girls with dreams dashed and hope far away. To be real...to be authentic...to be me! And I think they just want a friend and some one that really cares. Christ has enabled me to care...I can do that!


(And it turns our Cathy is a tatoo artist - so maybe I can get her to do that tatoo I've been wanting to get for three years!)

Story...

I started writing my story today...it's a good thing, I know...I just wish I had some time away to think and write and sleep uninterupted. I'm tired. But I know I need to press on...so far I've gotten up until the day I was born. Now starts the good stuff!

To be Told

I just finished Dan Allender's latest book "To Be Told"...and CRAP...I hate it. I really mean that the book itself was good. It's just what it calls of us...I don't really want to do it. The book is all about listening, writing and reading the story of our lives that God has already written and to join Him in the quest as we write our future.

But in his Dan Allender, psycological, humorous way he really gets at your heart and I don't think this is gonna get out of my brain until I actually do it.

Unfair things...bad things that happened to me as a child...God wrote that as part of my story - for a reason...so much to ponder...how that relates to so many other choices and behaviours throughout my life leeding me to right now...today...leading me to read this book this week as the Lord Himself has already been spendign the past few weeks brewing stories in the percolater of me heart.

It's a road I don't really want to travel...but I know I must...and I've been avoiding it for far too long. What a journey I have ahead..........

Fatigue Update...why I hate doctors!

Well, I went to the infectious disease doctor who basically said nothing was wrong with me and I should take a vitamin and excercise. (THAT pissed me off!) I hate it when I am telling doctors there is a problem and they patronizingly say I'm fine and I'm just tired because I have four kids. Duh! I know I have four kids...I'm not a moron...but something else MUST be going on if it is worth me paying to go to a doctor to try to figure this out. So the doc took some blood work - more blood work. So we are checking a few more things but if she can't figure this out (highly unlikely) than I think I'm gonna do the research myself and check into some alternative medicine/ supplemental stuff.

It's all just such a pain in the butt!