Stuck on Sunday
Ya know...this week has been weird for me. Some really good highs and still some moments of thoughtful contemplation that leave me sad and depressed. My marriage has seemed to have taken a turn for the best this week. Johnny & I are really connecting even in the chaos of life. There is more of a feeling of teamwork - like we're in this together and we've got to both be diligent to battle life and fight for time with the family. On Friday I was actually able to get the house clean, wash, fold AND put away the laundry BEFORE Johnny got home AND I cleaned the bathrooms! That was QUITE an accomplishment! (I thought this might be a sign of the Lord's retuning...but no such luck...)
But today I went to church and was just overcome with the feeling of loss over a recent friendship that for all practical purposes has ended as I predicted it would. It makes me sad...and lonely.To know someone and feel known by them...to have the access and freedom to be willing to share your "Real" self and then have that all go away...it still is painful for me.
I recently read a Christianity Today interview with Eugene Peterson (author of The Message) and he was discussing the term "spirituality". He was talking about true Christianity being in relationship with people where you are open, honest and vulnerable. That is where the true Christian life is lived out. And what hurts so much is that I feel like I had that (or was really close to living that way in community) and now it's gone. But the "friendship" remains and I am forced to now go on living life and moving back to the surface (chit-chatting about taxes, or the kids or whatever, or the "How are you?" "Fine." surface level fluff) when my heart is longing to reconnect. I guess I just struggle with just letting go of something that was once very precious to me.
It hasn't really gotten all that easier with time...it still hurts. It makes conversation awkward. All I want to do is just sit down for an hour and find out how my friend is REALLY doing...but I fear that is a priviledge I am no longer allowed to have. And that makes me really sad.
I still haven't yet learned how to live in this "new normal"...it still hurts from time to time...and I'm not really sure how to just let it go...so I still feel somewhat stuck...and sad.
Was this how it was supposed to end up? Is it just done, and this is now what life is like? Hmmm...Talk about regret...
I just miss my friend.
But today I went to church and was just overcome with the feeling of loss over a recent friendship that for all practical purposes has ended as I predicted it would. It makes me sad...and lonely.To know someone and feel known by them...to have the access and freedom to be willing to share your "Real" self and then have that all go away...it still is painful for me.
I recently read a Christianity Today interview with Eugene Peterson (author of The Message) and he was discussing the term "spirituality". He was talking about true Christianity being in relationship with people where you are open, honest and vulnerable. That is where the true Christian life is lived out. And what hurts so much is that I feel like I had that (or was really close to living that way in community) and now it's gone. But the "friendship" remains and I am forced to now go on living life and moving back to the surface (chit-chatting about taxes, or the kids or whatever, or the "How are you?" "Fine." surface level fluff) when my heart is longing to reconnect. I guess I just struggle with just letting go of something that was once very precious to me.
It hasn't really gotten all that easier with time...it still hurts. It makes conversation awkward. All I want to do is just sit down for an hour and find out how my friend is REALLY doing...but I fear that is a priviledge I am no longer allowed to have. And that makes me really sad.
I still haven't yet learned how to live in this "new normal"...it still hurts from time to time...and I'm not really sure how to just let it go...so I still feel somewhat stuck...and sad.
Was this how it was supposed to end up? Is it just done, and this is now what life is like? Hmmm...Talk about regret...
I just miss my friend.
posted by Kyrie Eleison at 4:04 PM
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