Damaged Goods
I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend. I drive by places that make me remember how my life was a few months ago. I'm trying to put the past four years of my life in order. I can't do much right now beyond continuing to stuff it all down and pull my life togehter enough to create a sense of "normal" for my kids...but I know the time is coming when it will all come crashing down on me and I will crumble...and have to face it all.
It's overwhelming.
It's too much to handle.
Here I am again...alone.
I've been here before.
I've triumphed...but it SUCKS.
I overheard some woman today talking on the phone at Target...she was clearly Christian and talking about some church thing to the person on the other line using her "Christianese" and talking about some sort of "in depth study"...I just started to cringe.
Here I am again Saturday night and the dillema is upon me once again...where to go to church...or if to go at all...I just don't know...I still don't want to put my kids through all that again. I'm afraid of the church. I'm afraid of getting sucked in. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
These are just a bunch of random late night ramblings.
...but I'm just afraid I've been ruined.
What's next?
It's overwhelming.
It's too much to handle.
Here I am again...alone.
I've been here before.
I've triumphed...but it SUCKS.
I overheard some woman today talking on the phone at Target...she was clearly Christian and talking about some church thing to the person on the other line using her "Christianese" and talking about some sort of "in depth study"...I just started to cringe.
Here I am again Saturday night and the dillema is upon me once again...where to go to church...or if to go at all...I just don't know...I still don't want to put my kids through all that again. I'm afraid of the church. I'm afraid of getting sucked in. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
These are just a bunch of random late night ramblings.
...but I'm just afraid I've been ruined.
What's next?
posted by Kyrie Eleison at 12:12 AM
3 Comments:
oy, I feel you.
I stopped by a building here that was the old Nazarene church. Last year the building was on the market and I said it should be turned into a retreat center.
We got here to Ludington and there was a new sign, Lakeside Chapel and Retreat Center.
I went in to get info. I thought it was a "chapel", just a place for spiritual renewal, retreat, etc.
I was greeted by one of the co-pastors and was just turned off, "cringing" was the perfect word you used. He was a sincere guy, but I just couldn't deal with him, the jargon, the demeanor, the naivete.
I talked with my mom the other day.
I explained how I just can't bring myself to sit through some mediocre, "please everybody" style of worship and then be further subjected to 30-40 minutes of some mind-numbing or soul-raping shtick.
I'm not ready...or really desirous to ever be ready for that again.
And I don't know what to do either.
Know we love you guys.
Is it bad that I don't want to "go back"?...
I'm just not sure i fit in anymore...
uh.
no, it's not bad. It's how it is right now, maybe forever, maybe for a season, but def. right now.
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